The 'Yes' That Breaks Your Heart: Your First Step Away From People-Pleasing

I’m a people pleaser. Or so I used to be…

It seemed like a normal thing to do. Whenever someone would come crying to me, my little heart wouldn't take it. It'll break. I remember vividly when my friends would tell me about their sad stories and I'd risk everything, go all the way out to help them. I remember when they wanted to start a business for themselves, they were short of some money and i had the money but it was for my business too. I wanted to start my own business too, I desperately wanted to say no but ended up saying yes. I couldn't say no. What if they thought it was selfish? What if they tell everyone about how I said no to them? Those thoughts couldn't leave me alone. 

They did what every borrower will do. Ghosted me. With my MONEY!!! Did I not hate myself for all of this. I remember sending them messages on all the social media and oh boy, they didn't reply. The knot in my stomach. The punch in my gut. I had lost it. Trying to please a friend over myself. I would cry, thinking about what if I didn't get myself into this? What if I didn't do this to please people? I hated myself for being a people pleaser.

From that day I decided there and then that, never ever will it put anyone ahead of myself. It was time to get myself together, set up some boundaries and learn to say no without feeling any guilt.

I learned the hard way that when you have a great heart and you always help others because it makes you feel good but then people will start taking advantage of you. You need to learn when to say NO! The goal is to get to a place where you can say 'no' without a knot in your stomach. To say 'no' to a friend asking for money, or to a family member asking for too much of your time. But getting there starts with one small step. 

What you need to know is that whenever you give them, they'll keep coming back knowing very well that you'll give them. Then when it's time to help you or pay you back. They'll make excuses, excuses will turn into ignoring you. They'll ghost you. They'll make you feel like a nuisance. Like a buzzing mosquito during summer. It'll take a toll on you and your health. They know that someday you'll give up. 

So if it makes them sleep at night, let them be! I've been there and I've learnt from the experience. They'll need real help someday and won't get any. In my hardest time, I've always been all by myself and the ones I've been there for, won't even glance at me!

And someone said to me “at some point, kindness becomes sacrifice at your own expense. Don’t bleed for people who wouldn’t glance at you.” 

It’s stuck with me. I’m no longer a people pleaser. Now I can see when I’m doing it. I know when to say NO!

It happens that we've been taught that being good is a virtue. You need to help someone so that whenever you need help they'll help you too. But it doesn't work like that at all. You sometimes please people because you want their approval. You don't want to seem selfish and inconsiderate of others' situations. You don't want to be left alone during family gatherings or being left out by friends. That's totally understandable. It is not a character flaw but an ingrained habit, a habit that was taught to us at a very early age. 

‘Sharing is caring’ I'm sure this isn't the first time you've heard this statement. It is not a lie at all. It is very true. When you share, it shows that you care. But when does that care stop? Are you willing to put yourself first and say NO? Do you know when is the right time to stop pleasing people and live your life on your own terms?

You need to know when to stop. The moment when you find yourself feeling very tired and stressed, that's when to stop. The moment when you find yourself thinking about what others think of you, that's it stop. You find yourself spending so much on others’ needs not yours, you have to stop. In this life you live for you not anyone. By pleasing people you won't gain much other than stress and strain.

You don't need to do much. The first step is to stop everything, think about it. When your friend asks for a favour, don't reply right away. Learn to say things like, ‘let me check my calendar and get back to you’ . Tell them that you're not saying ‘no’ to them. You are actually giving yourself a moment to breathe. A moment to decide what you truly want, away from the pressure of the moment. 

Once alone, ask yourself either of these questions. ‘Do I have to do this?’, ‘Is it worth it?’, ‘What will it gain?’ etc. Weigh on your options and see if whatever they're asking for is not manipulation of your good heart or they really do need help. If you feel like it's not worth it, feel free to say NO without any guilt. Even when they try to guilt trip you, stand firm on your answer. Remember NO means NO. You don't have to agree to anything, even if you're feeling uncomfortable.

Lastly, I want you to remember that it's not about you becoming a cold-hearted person, but you becoming an honest one. Healing from people-pleasing is a slow process. It is not for everyone . It is a journey for the brave. And learning to pause and say no is the first step of this long journey. 

If this is a journey you're walking too, you don't have to do it alone.

Every week, I send out a letter called Quiet Strength. It's a personal story and a moment of quiet reflection for women who are healing, rebuilding, and remembering who they are.

https://denise242875.substack.com

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